I'm Houston, (And I'm Hoxton), and welcome to Jackass
by Jakersrampage
Summary: Hoxton and Houston discover they both have a love for stupid stunts that will get them killed. Credit for this idea goes to Tumblr users Shroaksmanart and Dallas-to-houston


"Hey shit-for-brains, come help me move these bags!"

"Yeah. Sure. On my way." Houston sighed

It had been 2 months since the Payday gang broke Hoxton out of prison and he returned to the crew, and he still refused to call Houston by name. Dallas continuously said that he would get over his anger towards Houston in time, but 2 months later, it had become tradition for Hoxton to degrade Houston (ironically enough, usually while asking for his help) with names such as "Shitface", "Twat", "Wanker", "Ass-breath", and the like. It hadn't bothered Houston at first, but after 2 months of having Hoxton around, he had gotten long tired of Hoxton always thinking he was superior to him. Dallas had made multiple attempts to get the two to get along, but all had proved fruitless.

Houston made his way to the vault of the bank, where Hoxton had called for his aid in moving bags of money to the van, directly across the street. Making haste, he arrived quickly and began grabbing bags and tossing them out into the lobby area near Dallas and Chains. Once all the bags were out of the vault, the gang set about getting them all across the cop-occupied street.

"Chains, think you can run across the street and to the van? We can throw bags to you from here, make it easier for everyone" Dallas asked to Chains "We'll give you covering fire while you go across"

"Yeah, sure. Toss the bags into the street and I'll pick them up halfway. Your ready?" Chains answered to Dallas, accepting his offer

Dallas looked down both ends of the street. "Yeah, grab a bag now on your way across too to save some time. Now, go!"

Without another word Chains picked up a bag and charged across the street until arriving at the foot of the van and tossed the bag he was carrying in, as Dallas, Hoxton, Wolf, and Houston shot at all the cops who attempted to stop him. The four who remained in the bank threw loot bags across the street, having Chains run out from his cover near the van to grab them and bring them in. One by one, the bags were collected as cops shot aimlessly towards the heisters.

"Alright, just four left. Everyone grab one and haul ass across the street!" Dallas barked at his crew

The four men in the bank grabbed bags and started out the front doors. Houston took notice of a newly deployed sniper aiming at him specifically, and as he fired a shot in Houston's direction; causing Houston to temporarily fall back into the cover of the bank, avoiding the snipers bullet.

"Ah fuck; Houston! Stay there! I'll come help in a second!" Dallas yelled across the street to his brother

Houston already didn't want any help. He began feeling the adrenaline rush that he knew so well before. The one that filled him dreams of dodging hails of gunfire and proving everyone who thought ghosts were cowards wrong. Houston used all his strength to throw his loot bag nearly all the way across the street, landing near the feet of his other heisters and stopped Dallas in his tracks as he ran to support Houston.

Houston began running at top speeds across the street with no cover. The sniper aimed at him again, preparing to fire and leave him bleeding in the street. Houston, taking inspiration from TF2's own Scout, strafed to the right as he ran, escaping the snipers sights and causing his next bullet to sear past Houston and go straight into the hard concrete below him. As he ran closer to the van, he picked up the loot bag he had thrown and after running just another few feet towards the escape, he leaped up into the van, bag in hand, and landed himself perfectly on one of the seats of the escape van, securing himself and the last bag.

"Hey, what're you waiting for, slowpokes?" Houston taunted his teammates, proud to be the first in the van when everyone thought he would be the last. Hoxton was filled with surprise from watching his actions.

"Fucking hell, man…" Dallas said as he got into the van, followed by Wolf, Chains, and Hoxton. "Again, Houston? When are you gonna stop pulling stupid shit like that?"

Hoxton's ears perked up a bit when he heard that. "Again?" He though to himself

"Aw, chill out, Dallas. We made it, huh?" Wolf said, trying to get Dallas off of Houston's case.

"God, that's all that matters to you guys. Yeah, we made it, but you do shit like that on every job and eventually we won't." Dallas retorted

"I dunno. Seems to be working out pretty well for us." Chains said

"Aw, fuck it. You guys are gonna idiots no matter what the consequence is." Dallas finished, realizing he was outnumbered in this argument

"Bro, we're robbers for Christ's sake. We've pretty much already thrown caution to the wind." Houston said

"Yeah, whatever." Dallas said, again not wanting to continue the argument.

Hoxton had remained silent during the discussion. After pondering for a few moments, he spoke.

"…Admirable, ass-face" Hoxton said to Houston. This was the first slight praise he's shown to Houston since the day they broke him out, when he shot out a cop who was moments away from firing at Hoxton.

Houston was a bit angry at first, as always when Hoxton insulted him. "Still not my name, asshole. And yeah, thanks… He replied to Hoxton, not making it a big deal. The gang made small conversation as they drove to the safe house, as they usually did.

It was the period after a job in which the gang all hid out in the safe house for a few hours while they waited for the immediate heat to die down. Wolf and Chains both watched T.V., while the rest of the crew all remained in there own rooms within the safe house.

Hoxton wandered about for a while. Admittedly, Houston's stunt that day had impressed him. He walked into Houston's open room where Houston sat on his computer.

"Hey, fucker, I wanted t-" Hoxton began, but was almost immediately cut off by Houston

"That's still not my fucking name, dickweed. God damn, it's been 2 months, can you still not just call me by fucking name? You're the one who made me get a new one anyway." Houston said, ignoring the fact that Hoxton just walked into his room

"Ay, shut up ya wanker. I'm not gonna take shit from someone who was my replacement." Hoxton said quickly, attempting to assert dominance over Houston, as usual.

"You can go fuck yourself, asshole! Dallas has told me about all the jobs you pulled with you and I'll have you know I've done more than double with this crew, so don't act like you're better than me just because you were technically here first, you fucking prison wife!" Houston shouted at Hoxton, his anger getting the best of him.

"Hey, you fuck off, you twat!" Hoxton shouted back, ready to rant at Houston before being cut off again

"Fuck off? You came into my room, dumbass! What do you want, anyway?"

"You…Oh, right…" Hoxton said, ready to continue his rant before remembering why he came to Houston. "That shit you pulled today…what was that about?" Hoxton asked.

"What do you care?" Houston asked back

"Just surprised me is all."

"Yeah, big surprise, I'm not just a pussyfooting ghost."

"You felt it, didn't you? Hoxton asked.

"What do you mean?" Houston wondered, now disarmed and curious about what Hoxton wanted

"You know…that adrenaline rush…when the heat is coming down on you, and you hear gunshots from every direction…the only thing that can drive someone to do crazy shit like that is that kind of rush." Hoxton educated Houston.

"Yeah, you know that feel? When you feel like you need to do something stupid, just for the fuck of it, in a situation where your life is on the line?" Houston replied, furthering the description

"Heh. Yeah, that's the one. With all the blood and gunfire, you gotta do something to make the situation seem a little less critical." Hoxton continued

"Oh yeah. I know that rush pretty damn well, and if I say so myself, it's one of the greatest feelings in the world." Houston said with a smirk

"I've asked the others before. Wolf and Chains both knew what I meant, although Chains didn't often indulge himself in it. Dallas definitely doesn't. He hates the stupid shit we do when we get that rush."

"I can tell." Houston said, and then became curious. "What kinda stupid shit have you done?" He asked Hoxton

"Aha…" Hoxton laughed, remembering the Counterfeit job. "Dallas ever tell you about that Counterfeit job we pulled?"

"Yeah, I know about it; but Dallas never said anything about you doing anything."

"Ah, figures he wouldn't. Well…back on that job…" Hoxton began, barely containing his laughter. "So the drills doing its thing on the safe, when Bain comes through the intercom and tells us a Bulldozer's turned off the power. I'm outside, crouching behind a fence, eyes on the Dozer that hit the power; its face is turned away from me, unsuspecting."

"Oh shit, what'd you do?" Houston listened intently, excited to hear what Hoxton did to a giant, hulking Bulldozer.

"Alright, so the Dozer's looking towards the house where the rest of the crew is at, and I'm crouched behind a fence behind him, right? So I get out of my cover, and I start walking towards him…then sprinting…then running…soon enough, I was charging at him with my shoulder out, rushing up behind him and finally, using all my force, I ram my entire body straight into that dumbasses back!" Hoxton continued with the story

"What did he do?!" Houston excitedly asked, laughter in his throat as well

"Knocked the wind straight out of him, through all that armor! The fucking lump's big stupid fishbowl of a head hit the concrete, and I know I heard that goddamn bowl crack as it hit the ground!" Hoxton laughed out

"Did you shoot him after that?" Houston asked

"Better. So the turd is on the ground, cops see me now, bullets everywhere; I figure I might as well fuck with him a little more; so I take one of my extra zip-ties, and pull it as wide as it will go, and somehow I manage to get that dumbasses legs tip-tied together…and then, wait…I run back to cover, and I'm just watching this stupid goddamn big ass Bulldozer trying to get up…the fucker fell over like 3 times and then just flopped around on the ground like a bloody idiot, his face plates cracked, he's still trying to get up and tripping every time, and I'm just absolutely dying back behind my cover. This giant damn Dozer…" Hoxton tried to continue but got caught in his own laughter while remembering the sight of a Bulldozer trying to get up with its legs tied together.

Both Houston's and Hoxton's faces were red with laughter at that point, Houston covering his face with hands and Hoxton's eyes nearly tearing.

"Ah…after that, Dallas came up behind me and pulled me into the safer cover of the house and gave me the whole "If he had turned around…" spiel. Chains told me it was "pretty badass" and Wolf laughed with me, calling it one of the "funniest things he's seen on a job"." Hoxton began to cool his laughter. "So…what stories have you got?" Hoxton asked Houston

"Well, I can't say I've fucked with a Dozer that bad before, but there was this one time with a Cloaker…" Houston replied

"Aw shit, dicking with a Cloaker? I've got to hear this."

"Yeah, well, it was way back during the Harvest and Trustee hit. I'd only done a couple jobs with the crew at the time, but I had gotten the hang of things. Anyway, so Dallas is in the lobby, Chains is on the roof, and Wolf is in the office area. I take a minute to look into the copy room, thinking to hit up the ammo bag that our insider stashed there…" Houston began telling Hoxton

"Yeah? What happened in there?"

"Well…my CAR-4 is all out, I'm reaching into the ammo bag, when I hear the sound of the vent breaking open, and a moment later, a Cloaker dropping from the ceiling. I'm completely out of ammo still, I don't have my gun reloaded, and this Cloaker is right here right now. I'm thinking, "I'm fucked", right?"

"Shit, I might've already shit my pants by then. How'd you deal with it?" Hoxton encouraged Houston to continue

"Alright, so I'm ready to reach for my pistol, but then I start to think…"too easy". So, this idiot is looking around for a minute, getting its bearings, and as soon as I see those damn goggles aimed in my direction, I raise my CAR over my head and use all my force to slam the stock straight into that stupid son of a bitch's nose!"

"Ooh, damn"

"No wait, it gets better…so, he get knocked back, I see blood coming from his nose, and he's like "Agh, you fucker!" and I'm like "Oh, I'm not done yet" and I ram the barrel of my gun straight into his stomach…so, he's knocked back again, and I decide to push him against a wall, and start smashing his skull with the stock of my gun, give him an idea of how a baton strike feels…problem, he saw what I was doing and charged at me when I went to push him to the wall."

"Fuck, you went down?"

"Nah, what kind of a story would that be? This is the best… so, he pushed be back a bit so he can get some distance pull a jump kick…well, he didn't himself enough room I guess, because when he jumped at me I got the perfect shot…" Houston began to lose steadiness in his voice as he described the story.

"You didn't…" Hoxton said, excited shock in his voice

"Oh yeah…I get the perfect money shot, and as he's lunging at me, I take the stock of my gun again and ram it full force right between that fuckers legs! And so he loses control mid-air, falls to ground, misses the kick, and I figure at that point, why not give him a taste of his own, eh? So immediately I just start kicking the SHIT out of him, and the whole time I'm yelling "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!"" Houston's voice now filled with laughter. "Ah…yeah…I must've yelled too loud, actually, cause Wolf heard me and walked in. I still think that was the moment Wolf started to respect me as one of the crew." Houston wrapped

"Oh, absolutely brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant, man." Hoxton said, laughing with Houston.

"Yeah…Oh god, I still laugh about that with Wolf. As you can imagine, Dallas wasn't too happy. Just like most crazy shit, he called it "far too dangerous". I guess he's not wrong, though…" Houston said

"Yeah, probably not. But hey, just like you said, we're robbers right? We've already thrown caution to the wind!" Hoxton said, reciting Houston's statement from earlier

"Aw, yeah. Gotta take a break from professionalism sometimes, right?" Houston said

"You know it. Y'know, I guess you're not as bad as I thought." Hoxton said

"Yeah, thanks, I think." Houston replied, unsure if he should still be offended about how long it's taken for him to say that.

"Ah, maybe I was just a little pissed about being replaced is all." Hoxton admitted

Houston didn't feel like getting touchy-feely now, so he picked up their conversation about stupid stunts and the like. "Hey…you know, if you ever feel like doing some stunts together, I've always had a few ideas stocked up." Houston said

"Do ya? Like what?" Hoxton asked, intrigued.

"Well…back in June, The Dentist had us hit the Benevolent bank, Y'know?" Houston asked

"Yeah, the guys told me all about it. Not a bad score." Hoxton confirmed

"Well, back on that job, around the second assault wave, I was out on the street by the van blocking off the front entrances. All of the sudden, I hear screaming, and then I turn and see Wolf falling off the roof and slamming straight down onto the ground. When I went to help him up and ask what happened, all he said was "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen a cop do". Turns out a heavy SWAT rushed him and pushed him straight off the roof!" Houston said

"You're kidding? Never heard of 'em doing anything cool before." Hoxton responded, impressed at the cops move

"Yeah, he nearly broke his spine, had to hunch over for the rest of the job, and screamed when he tried to pick up a loot bag, but otherwise he was okay. That got me thinking…that fall he took looked fun as hell."

"Did it?" Hoxton smiled "Think we could head there now? Maybe get access to the roof?"

"If we're gonna go, we might bring a camera. Don't want to break our spines for nothing, right?"

"Good point. We could probably use some help."

"I've got it." Houston said before walking out of his room and into the T.V. with Hoxton following him. Chains and Wolf were still sitting on the couch.

"Hey, me and Hox are going to the Benevolent. We need your help. You in?" Houston announced to the two

"Why are you guys going back to the Benevolent? We hit that place months ago." Chains asked

"We're not hitting it." Hoxton cut in

"Then why're you going?" Wolf asked next

Hoxton and Houston both exchanged knowing glances, before turning back to the two on the couch

"Well…"

The van sat in front of the Benevolent bank. Wolf stood near the van, camera in hand aimed at the roof, waiting to film.

On the roof of the bank, another camera was set up on a tripod, which was currently pointed at a shopping cart, which held Houston and Hoxton, with Chains standing behind the camera, ready to press the film button. He gave Houston and Hoxton a hand signal, and pressed the button.

"Hey, I'm Houston"

"And I'm Hoxton"

Chains moved behind the cart, leaving the camera filming on the tripod

"And welcome to jackass!"

Chains began pushing the cart forward at full force. After mere seconds, the carts wheels rolled off the edge of the large banks roof. Once the cart began its descent, Chains picked up the camera that had been mounted on a tripod and aimed it downward, filming the carts fall from the roof. Wolf did the same, but from ground level; seeing it approach the ground faster and faster.

Both Hoxton and Houston screamed the whole way down. Hoxton held his hands high above his head, forming double "Rock" symbols with his fingers. Houston held his arms out to the side, imagining he had wings. The cart fell faster at alarming speeds, until eventually smashing into the marble stairs outside the front of the bank, creating a sound of screaming, metal bending, flesh smacking, bone cracking, and finally more metal bending.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!" Dallas yelled at Hoxton and Houston

Hoxton and Houston both had sly smirks painted to their face as Dallas lectured them. Houston used his non-broken arm to offer a bro-fist to Hoxton, who took notice and fulfilled Houston's requesting, bumping their knuckles together. Hoxton then returned his hand to the ice pack on his head, holding it in place. Dallas continued yelling at them.

"Now you've gotta fuckin' broken arm," He said, pointing to Houston, "And you, you're lucky your brain didn't come out of your ears!" He yelled, this time towards Hoxton

"Ah piss off, ya wanker. Ay, look, we're bonding now, huh? Isn't this what you wanted?" Hoxton said, putting his arm around Houston. Both of them offered purposely fake smiles.

Dallas turned his rage towards Chains. "And you, why the fuck did you offer to help them?!"

"Well, uh…mostly I was thinking it would be pretty funny…" Chains said, somewhat awkwardly

"It kinda was" Wolf chimed in, smiling as he remembered it

"You have any idea how long we're gonna have to wait before you're both good enough to go on a job again?" Dallas screamed, turning his focus back to the injured heisters.

"You can still do jobs! Just take Wolf, Chains, and Chains friend." Houston said

"Wick. His name is Wick." Chains quickly put out

"Yeah. Wick. Bring Wick. Problem solved, right?" Houston said, taking in Chains' comment

"God fucking damn it…fuck it. Don't get yourselves killed while I'm gone." Dallas retorted, and then walked out the door and left the safe house to get to his own house.

"I think he's finally warming up to his wild side" Houston sarcastically said upon hearing Dallas leave

"Heh, yeah, I think we're making progress." Hoxton said "Ah…y'know, Houston, you're not that bad."

"Hey, you learned my name…took you long enough." Houston said

"Was all in good time."

"Well, good; because I've got some more ideas, and obviously I'm gonna need some help."

Hoxton smiled "Lay it on me" he asked, curious about Houston's ideas and optimistic about this new partnership. From that point on, he'd only ever called him Houston.


End file.
